No Contact and I

8 weeks ago today I took that final last step from my ex partner who was standing watching me as I walked through the crowds getting further and further away.

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Each step that I took that day, wasn’t with this idea that I was going to initiate my no contact for the very last time, it wasn’t with the thought of anything like that – it was just how annoyed I was at myself.

I had gone (prior to this) about two weeks not seeing him, and about a week and half or so, of not being in touch with him, but as you know, No Contact is hard at the best of times and during the worst times? It’s even harder.

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The first time I went No Contact

The first time I attempted this recovery journey, I found it so hard.  I couldn’t even begin it without messaging him or emailing him to let him know that I was doing this and why I was doing it.  I felt and thought about HIS FEELINGS regarding it – rather than my own. But that’s typical of me, and other people with high amounts of empathy, we think of others and how they would feel over a certain situation.  We also feel like, we owe them an explanation at least – because, that is the way we are.  We are good people and we don’t want to hurt someone.

I know he vanished enough times off the face of the earth, not answering the phone to me or replying to messages, during his horrible silent treatment that he would dish out now and again to “teach me a lesson” but you know what? despite that (and plenty more) I still at that time, couldn’t do the same to him.  I couldn’t just vanish, stop replying, block, disappear completely.  No way at that time could I do that?!

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I was sort of forced to know how that feeling makes you feel during the relationship – I truly loved him and I would have taken everything that he was and more on, but I would have wanted him to have gotten help to alter his ways and try at least to stop cheating on me or trust me enough to tell me the truth whenever I confronted him! But, he didn’t even try to alter his ways, no matter how many times he had said things were different – they weren’t.  Things would be okay for a little while and then it would be the same old crap all over again!  Almost like a cycle – that’s the only way I could describe it at that time and ya know what!? It was.  It was a cycle.  An ABUSE CYCLE. 

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Sometimes Empathy Can Cause You Problems

So yeah,  I ended up telling him what I was doing and why.  Shortly after, I blocked him on social media and mobile but emailed him to let him know I had left email open for him so he could contact to make arrangements regarding his stuff.  – I had never been in such a bizarre situation before with such a bizarre individual so this was all new to me, plus the fact I loved him and didn’t want to hurt him because of all he had been through before he met me.  It just wasn’t easy.  It was literally the hardest thing I ever had to do.

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Letters started coming through my door addressed to him.  So I emailed him to let him know about them and then that’s how I broke my No Contact.

The Pull

I admit now, that at that time, I felt almost addicted to him.  I was finding it hard but each day it began getting easier.  I was then thrown back to square one when these letters came and I was reminded of that feeling all over again.

The pull was far too hard.  I sat for hours that day, working out how I was going to handle this.

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The right thing to do at that time, would have been let someone else deliver them and for me to not get in touch but as I said, and as you, understand, the pull was too strong back then that, I made the mistake by emailing him to make him aware, I was also still in that frame of mind of being the good person – I STILL AM very much that good person, but I’m not in that frame of mind where I feel I need to carry on being good to him.  He really doesn’t deserve it and in actual fact, he stopped deserving me being good to him long before I even broke the relationship off!

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As Empaths’, we try to fix, we try to heal,  we try to help other people.  No matter how many times we get trampled on, have our good intentions taken for granted, we carry on being that good person whilst accepting bad behaviour and choices as just a part of who someone is.  Which then, (which is what we fail to realise) is we are accepting someone being cruel to us, someone cheating on us and somebody abusing us.  Although we may not admit it – think about it?! It really is what we ended up doing.

Two Months and 1 Day Later…

I sit here and think back to the day, I walked away.  And how that day, was the last time.  And it was.

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No more dealing with him pulling and pushing, no more feeling tormented by his on going cycle with his other ex (that he cheated on me repeatedly with – who ended up excusing his behaviour in the end and found herself lying for him too and I’m still unsure who caught the fleas from who, was it her or was it him? I don’t know..)

No more drama!!  No more tears, no more sat here blaming myself or wondering why? No more pain.  No more sadness.  No more crazy bombs, no more future faking, no more gaslighting, no more him hurting me, lying to me, cheating on me, putting me on a pedestal, no more dropping me through devaluation and then discarding me by silent treatment!! No more of him!

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I turned my back on him, and walked away for the last and final time that day and I never, ever looked back.  This time, was different.  It was the last time.  And today proves it.  And it was the best thing I ever did FOR ME!!

There have been many changes.

  • I’m still the same person that I always was, however, my ability to understand people is much more better than before.
  • My nonsense detector is forever switched on!!
  • My narc-radar goes off now and again (due to having been in a relationship with such a person, you pick up the signs of this type of person pretty much immediately from having been subjected to their bullshit for quite some time!)
  • I am so much more stronger than I ever was before.
  • I no longer walk with my head looking back over my shoulder!
  • I have a new mobile phone.
  • I have a new mobile number
  • I have had my locks changed
  • I have a new email address

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So yeah, in 2 months, all of that has changed around me, however – I am still the same.  With maybe, a little more knowledge than before.

Remember, I’m on Facebook at, Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse so if you want to follow on there, then that’s fine 🙂 and you can!  I have always wanted to spread awareness and that is what am doing.

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I’m also on Twitter at, The Path To Freedom and you’re welcome to follow me there too!

And please, if you’d like to share any of my blog posts, please feel free to do so.  These are written by me, to spread awareness out there and to help as many people as I can.

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So click the share button and get it out there!!

Sharing what you know, could be the key that opens the door to somebody else’s’ prison!

Thank you so much for reading, your continued support and for being by my side on this incredible journey to recovery.

Sarah xx

 

 

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